


Secret Visits

by Moonlitedancer



Series: All Our Secrets [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Pre-Series, Pre-Slash, Temporarily Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-13 17:51:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11765199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonlitedancer/pseuds/Moonlitedancer
Summary: Dean "visits" Sammy at Stanford





	Secret Visits

Dean “visited” his brother about every six months while he was at college. He hadn’t been a fan of Sam’s desire to go away, but his job was to protect Sam. What better way to protect him than for him to be away from them, from the things that go bump in the night?  
~~~  
The first time he shows up at Stanford, he had every intention of making Sammy get in the car and go back with him. Dad’s been pissy since Sam left, drinking more heavily and putting them in unnecessary danger. Dean doesn’t want to think about how many times he’s almost been killed since Sam left.  
Dean parks the Impala about three blocks off campus. He doesn’t want to alert Sam to the fact that he’s there, afraid of the fight he knows will come. He ambles through the campus, occasionally stopping a cute coed to see if she knows where Sam might be. He uses his signature smirk and puppy dog eyes more than he’s used to because these girls are clearly leery of strange men lurking about. More often than not, they say they can’t help and he moves on.  
“Excuse me, ladies, I’m trying to find a friend of mine. He’s a big, giant of a man, goes by Sam. Would you happen to know where he’s at?” Dean lets an easy grin slip into place.  
A redhead leaves the group of giggling girls to come talk to him. “You wouldn’t be talking about Sam Winchester, would you?” She tilts her head and bats her eyelashes at him.  
Dean’s throat goes dry and he has to clear it in order to speak. “Yeah, actually I would.”  
“It’s Tuesday, so he’s probably playing basketball. If you hurry, you can catch him before he goes to work.” Dean nods and takes off in the direction that she indicated.  
When Dean arrives at the basketball courts, he stands in the shadows while locating his brother and trying to put his argument together. Finally spotting Sam, time freezes for Dean. Sam, all long legs and arms, is playing a pickup game with some other students. The smile spread across his face makes him look younger, more innocent than Dean’s ever seen him. Sam’s happy, he realizes.  
A war that started years ago wages on in Dean’s mind. He wants his family together, but he needs Sammy happy. He watches his brother as the game continues. Sees his shoulders tense as he shoots the ball. Hears his laughter at the ribbing of his friends.  
“Sam has friends.” Dean mutters to himself, shaking his head. He can’t tear him away from this, not when it’s everything Sam’s ever wanted.  
“Goodbye, Sam.” Dean whispers over his shoulder as he heads back to the Impala, back to his dad and a life without Sam.  
He misses seeing his brother’s head snap up to try to locate whoever said his name.  
~~~  
The second time he visits Sam wasn’t completely intentional. His father had sent him to California to deal with a poltergeist alone. John Winchester was nothing if not stubborn and resolutely refused to even set foot in the same state as his youngest son. Dean, bruised and scratched up from his fight, got into his car and set off down the road, intending to put as much distance between himself and the west coast as possible before nightfall.  
Mind on autopilot, he soon found himself parking near Stanford yet again. He thought about starting the car and driving away, but he couldn’t get past his need to see his brother, to make sure everything was all right. Getting out of the car, he slipped his keys in his pockets and began to wonder the campus.  
“Looking for Sam?” A familiar redhead popped up at his shoulder. She smirked when she realized she’d startled him.  
“How’d you know?” He grunted.  
“Just a wild guess.” Her smirk grew into a grin when she linked her arm with his. “I believe he’s studying in the library.”  
He started at where their bodies were connected for longer than necessary before looking at her face. “Library, huh? Shoulda known.”  
The redhead beamed when he didn’t immediately thrust her off. “I’ll take you there. Don’t want you to get lost. I’m Monica, by the way.”  
“Dean.” He nodded along while she chatted about the weather and exams as she led him into the library.  
“He’s usually in one of these rooms.” Monica indicated a hall of study rooms. “Have fun with your friend.” Monica winked before sashaying back the way they’d entered.  
Dean watched her for a few beats before starting his search. Sammy was in one of the bigger study rooms where Dean could enter undetected. He was grateful. Dean still wanted Sam to come back, but he wanted Sam to want to come back, not feel guilted into it. Watching Sam study took him back; reminded him of a time when they’d all been mostly happy. He and dad had hated researching, too much to read and too little movement, but Sam had always loved it, excelled at it really.  
Dean watched Sam now as intensely as he did when they were younger and he was afraid that Sam would disappear when he wasn’t looking. Sam’s lips moved as he read, his brow furrowed in concentration, his fingers absentmindedly caressing the pages of his text, pen tapping on his notebook between hurried thoughts. Dean had always been in awe of this Sam. This Sam was confident in the same way that the Sam who went hunting doubted himself. A small, sweet smile adorned Dean’s face as he watched.  
Dean heard the giggles a moment before Sam did. His eyes flew to the table of sorority girls on his right who were watching him. Dean caught sight of Sam looking at the girls. He quickly ducked behind one of the shelves just as Sam’s eyes flew to see what the girls were staring at. Dean let out the breath he was holding when Sam’s focus returned to studying. He quickly exited the building and stalked back to his car, mentally fuming at the females that cut his time with his brother short.  
~~~  
Dean plans the third visit. He wants to have more time “with” Sam, but obviously doesn’t want to get caught. The first at home football game of the season seems to be the perfect cover. There will be plenty of people there, making it difficult to pick him out of a crowd. Dean’s not completely certain that Sam will be at the game, but he hopes so. Dean had argued with his father about whether or not the succubus plaguing northern California was too difficult for him to go it alone. Dean didn’t need or want his father there; knew that if John came, he’d miss his opportunity to see Sam. After days of fighting, John had let him go on his own and went off to drink.  
Dean had made quick work of the succubus. He didn’t have time to sit and wait if he was going to make it to the game on time. He had a new scratch sitting on his hairline by the time he made it to Stanford. He parked the Impala in the middle of the stadium lot, hoping that would draw less attention. Dean shuffled into the stadium with a larger crowd and made his way to his seat. Now, standing here, Dean was certain he’d never be able to locate Sam despite how tall Sam was. Dean scooted down in his chair and slowly began scanning the crowd. He ruled out the areas with only older fans, drunken frat boys, and sorority girls. He knew his brother well enough to know that he wouldn’t hang out with them.  
Distracted by his search, Dean barely registered that someone’s sat down next to him until they’re taking up an incredible amount of his personal space. “Hey, Dean, funny seeing you here.”  
His head snaps to look at the redhead who says his name like they’ve known each other for a lifetime. “Hey…” He knows her name, just can’t remember right now.  
“It’s Monica, and Sam isn’t here.” She notices how his face drops just slightly and his shoulders tense like he’s preparing to leave. Placing a hand on his thigh, she smiles. “He should be getting here a few minutes before the game starts. Quite the studier, that boy.”  
Dean eases back and watches Monica for a minute. She’s carrying on about some goings on about campus that he isn’t particularly interested in. He shifts his head back to focus on the field. As he gets comfortable, he feels her fingers brush against his hairline.  
“You need to work on your suturing.” Her mouth is set in a hard line.  
“How do you know I did it?”  
“You never would have walked out of an ER with those.” She tilts her head and grins. “Plus, I’m pre-med.”  
Dean finds himself returning her easy smile. Suddenly, he catches a glimpse of his brother walking into the stadium with a group of guys. He sinks further down into his seat but keeps track of Sam who ends up sitting a half dozen rows in front of him and to the right.  
“Brother or ex?” Monica queries.  
“Huh?” Dean stares incredulously at her before looking back at Sam.  
“Is he your brother or your ex?” Monica pushes, her eyes flittering to Sam and back.  
“What clued you in?” Dean hopes she doesn’t realize that he’s avoiding answering, doesn’t really know why he isn’t.  
“Well, you show up to see him every semester and yet you never actually talk to him, which means you either broke up right before he left for school or your family had a huge falling out.”  
“Something like that.” Dean mutters. Monica drops the subject and lets him focus on Sam once again.  
He spends the game watching Sam, grateful for Monica’s prompts to cheer so he doesn’t look like a total stalker freak. When the game ends, he watches Sam leave, eyes flittering right over Dean. He feels Monica grab his hand and write on his palm.  
“Call me anytime. I can let you know how he’s doing. And let me know when you’re coming next, I’ll bring lunch. It doesn’t look like you eat enough.” Monica got up and flounced off. Dean watched her as she got to the top of the stairs and turned back to him, “Bye, Dean!” she shouted before slipping out.  
Dean was too busy keying the number from his hand into his phone to see Sam’s head shift to scan the crowd when he heard his brother’s name. He definitely didn’t see the drop of Sam’s shoulders when he couldn’t locate Dean.  
~~~  
The fourth visit comes after a drunken brawl with John. John had been drinking steadily more when Dean was around. Dean knew it was because he wasn’t the son John wanted around, but that didn’t mean he had the right to put Dean’s life in danger. After the third trigger-happy farmer nearly took his head off, Dean had had enough. They fought, fists connecting, blood spilling before Dean got in his car and drove away. He called Monica when he was an hour away. She’d kept him up to date on Sammy in a way that he should find creepy but only really found comforting now. Dean met her at the coffee shop just on the edge of campus. He noted the basket and blanket she held in one arm and the steaming cup of coffee in her other hand.  
She held the coffee out to him. Gently, she led him down the sidewalk after he took it. “Come on, Dean, we’ll miss out on the good spots if you continue to walk this slow.” Dean chuckled but picked up his pace. They ended up in a grassy area full of other students who seemed to be studying and enjoying the surprisingly warm spring. Monica spread out the blanket then forced Dean down. When he looked up, Dean saw Sam sitting about a hundred or so yards in front of him, completely oblivious to Dean’s presence. Dean Didn’t blame him. There were a couple of knockouts sharing Sam’s blanket, books stacked around them but neglected for the intense conversation they were having.  
Monica giggled at the look of adoration on Dean’s face. “You’re welcome.” He grunted while she got the food out of the basket, along with her book. She made herself comfortable and settled in to read while Dean picked at the food and watched Sammy.  
After a couple of hours, Dean couldn’t ignore the aches of his body from the fight. He groaned as he leaned back against the tree Monica had placed them under. “Bar fight or trying to pick up someone else’s girl?” Monica questioned with her eyes closed.  
It was right then the Dean realized that he must look like a mess. He hadn’t really cleaned himself up afterwards, just drove. “Neither.” Monica quirked an eyebrow, but didn’t speak. Hell, she didn’t even open her eyes. Dean pursed his lips and watched her for a beat. He didn’t owe her an explanation. Before he could find the energy to get up and leave, he found himself saying, “It was a business disagreement with my dad.”  
“Oh,” Monica’s eyes finally opened. Quickly, she put everything back in the basket. Rising, she held her hand out to Dean. “Let’s get you cleaned up. You can rest at my place before you head back to your dad.”  
Dean took her hand and stood, bringing the blanket with him. He didn’t ask how she knew that he didn’t have a place to stay already or how she knew he was going to go back to his dad when he wasn’t certain he wanted to himself. He was just glad she was willing to be there for him. Dean spared a final glance at his brother who was still talking to the girls.  
With his back turned, he didn’t see the way Sam’s eyes snapped up to him. He didn’t see the way Sam rubbed his eyes to check if he was seeing things or the way he shook his head when Dean was too far away for Sam to identify him.  
~~~  
The fifth time Dean visited Stanford he swore it would be his last. He and Monica had been speaking nearly every week. In passing, she had mentioned a girl Sam had stated hanging out with. Dean’s curiosity got the better of him and he decided to go and see her for himself. He didn’t call Monica like he normally would have. He wouldn’t need a place to stay and he was almost certain he’d find his brother in the library on a Wednesday night.  
When he arrived, he wasted no time getting to the library. He strategically made his way through until he located Sam sitting at a table amongst the stacks. He was currently alone, but he could tell that Sam had been sharing his table with someone. Dean watched him from a distant aisle while pretending to look for a book. He watched the way Sam’s shoulders hunched in concentration, the way Sam would absentmindedly push the hair the fell into his eyes away.  
An ache curled in Dean’s gut. He missed his brother more than he had realized. Right as he was about to walk up to Sam’s table, a gorgeous blonde appeared and plastered herself against his back and over his shoulder. Dean watched as the girl whispered something into Sam’s ear that caused a carnal grin to light up his face. He watched her push the hair out of Sam’s face and gently kiss the side of his mouth before pulling him away from the desk, away from Dean.  
Anger turned in Dean’s chest. He should be happy for Sam. He was getting everything he’d ever wanted, everything he’s ever deserved; but Dean feels exactly like he did when Sam left- his heart’s been ripped out of his chest and he’s got nothing left to live for. Dean shuffles his way out of the library and to his car. Sam’s life is complete, there’s no reason to come back. Sammy can take care of himself now.  
~~~  
Dean’s body ached. It wasn’t from the pain from the hunts, though he had plenty of that, too. His heart kept telling him it was time to go visit Sammy, but his brain reminded him that Sam was happier and safer if Dean wasn’t there. Dean had given up talking with Monica months ago. Hadn’t read her texts or listened to her voicemails since the night he’d left Stanford. Her last text that he had read had been: I’m so sorry, Dean.  
He didn’t know how she knew. Didn’t know how much she really knew, but he didn’t want to talk to her about it. Not about what he saw and definitely not about how he felt.  
Dean’s phone started ringing, rousing him from his almost sleep. Without thinking, he answered, “What?” he bit out, voice gruffer than he intended.  
“Dean,” Monica’s voice meekly filled the speaker along with the crinkles and hisses of bad cell reception. “It’s Sam. There’s been an accident. You should get here as soon as you can.” Monica ended the call as soon as she stopped talking, without waiting for Dean’s response, but he’s almost certain he heard a sob before the line went dead.  
Dean got out of bed and shoved everything back into his duffle. He dropped the key on the front desk when he couldn’t locate the night clerk, figured she was sleeping like all the other sane people. Dean got into the Impala and began to calculate how long it would take him to get to his little brother. “Ten hours,” he breathed, worry settling deep in his stomach.  
*  
As Dean pulls up in front of the hospital, he spots Monica waiting for him. He gets out and walks towards her, not knowing what to expect. Aside from texting the name of the hospital an hour ago, she’d remained silent on what was happening. “He’s in room 1258. He’s alone right now. Should be sleeping.” Monica squeezes his arm and walks off.  
Without sparring her a second glance, Dean walks inside and locates Sammy’s room. As he looks at his brother, he feels like he can finally breath again. He pulls the chair beside the bed closer and rests on the edge, as close as he can be to Sam without actually being in the bed with him. The heart monitor beeps rhythmically, setting Dean at ease. He was expecting worse, but was thankful that Sam was breathing on his own. That had to mean something, right? If Sammy could breath, he’d be just fine. Dean wipes the tear that streaked down his face and gingerly brushed Sam’s closest hand. Sam stirred at the sensation, eyes fluttering open.  
“Dean.” It was more of a breath leaving Sammy’s lips than an actual word. Sam’s head lolls towards him. Dean can tell by the glaze of Sam’s eyes that he’s heavily sedated and doesn’t comprehend Dean’s really there. A tear slips from Sam’s eye. “It hurts.”  
Dean shushes him and wipes the tear away. “It’s gonna be all right, Sammy. You’re gonna be ok.”  
Sam’s eyes begin to slip closed, placated by his brother’s words. Dean would never lie to him. “I miss you, Dean.” He whispers as he falls back asleep.  
“I miss you, too, Sammy.” Dean sits, just watching him breathe for a while before rising and softly kissing his forehead. At the door, he turns and looks at Sammy one last time before leaving to find his dad.  
~~~  
Dean can still hear the argument he’d had with John playing in the background of his mind after all these months. John had refused to go back with Dean to see Sam. He had forbidden Dean from going. “Sam made his choice, Dean. Let him live with it.” The hatred Dean had for his father because of those words was momentous. But Dean didn’t return. At least, not then. Monica had called with updates. She even sent a few pictures to prove she wasn’t lying when she heard the doubt in Dean’s voice. Dean was glad Sam had so many people in his life who cared about him.  
Dean pulled up in front of Monica’s apartment building and let the car idle as he waited for her. Normally, she was always waiting for him to arrive, but since she’d told him to dress nice, he wasn’t completely surprised. When she exited the building, he let out a low whistle. She looked good. He noticed the sparkle in her eye as she directed him towards a fancy restaurant. They were seated quickly in a dim back corner. Their server came and took their drink order before Dean could question Monica about the nature of this dinner.  
“What are we doing here?”  
“Just wait.” A mischievous smirk took up residence on her face.  
While sipping on his beer, Dean saw Sam walk in with the same blonde he’d seen at the library almost a year ago. His grip tightened on his glass momentarily before he calmed enough to loosen it. Sam looked genuinely happy and Dean could respect that. Throughout the meal, Dean split his attention between Monica and his little brother. Sam was visibly nervous. He’d almost knocked his water glass over a few times- Dean chortling at each one. Dean was thankful that Monica wasn’t offended at his lack of interest. In fact, he felt like she got some sick joy out of watching him.  
Eventually, both tables finished their meals and ordered dessert. Sam’s fidgeting had been getting worse through dinner, but now, Dean notices an eerie calm has settled over Sam. In the back of his mind, he recognizes that Monica has become silent, no longer trying to put on the show of happy couple and allowing Dean to freely immerse himself in watching Sam. He watches Sam’s lips move as he says something that brings a blinding smile to the blonde’s face. Slowly, as if time was trying to pause but couldn’t, Dean watches as Sam gets down on one knee, pulling a ring box out of his pocket. Dean doesn’t hear the question, but has no doubt that Sam had asked it.  
“Yes!” The blonde gasped. Dean watches Sam slip the ring on her finger before pulling her in for a kiss. The restaurant around them has erupted in clapping, whistles and congratulations. Dean can’t move. Can’t bring himself to celebrate his brother’s happiness. He can only feel his fractured hear disintegrating. He senses Monica’s hand on his. He looks at her, vaguely comprehending that she’s gesturing that it’s time to leave.  
Dean rises and follows her out. She takes the keys out of his hand and drives them to her apartment. Dean’s too shocked to argue that no one except him drives the Impala. Monica gently guides him up to her place and onto her couch. He sits for a while, feeling nothing but hollowness and grief. He doesn’t want to be alone. He glances at the doorway to Monica’s bedroom and notices her observing him, concern marring her face. Dean stands and strides towards her. He pulls her flush against his chest and kisses her. She lets him guide her to the bed, lets him pull her down with him until they’re lying side by side. When Dean moves to take her shirt off, she stops him with a soft touch of her hand over his heart.  
“No, Dean,” her voice isn’t angry, it’s gentle like when you’re talking to a hurt animal.  
Something inside Dean breaks at that moment and he begins to cry. “I don’t want to die alone.”  
Monica shushes him, carefully running her fingers through his hair and down his back. “It’s ok, Dean. It’s gonna be ok.” She comforts him until he falls asleep. Early in the morning, Dean sneaks out of her apartment, unable to face someone who’s seen him so broken.  
~~~  
Dean hadn’t heard from Monica since that night, but the day he resolved that he was going to Sam about dad, he received a text. It simply said good luck. Once again, he was struck by how strange it was that she always seemed to know what was happening. While breaking into his brother’s apartment, Dean made more noise than was strictly necessary. Dean hear Sam before he saw him coming.  
Let the games begin, he thought to himself.


End file.
